Voice bDiary — The Tug of War Within

I’m realizing there’s this tug of war inside my body, my heart, and my mind. And as I sit with it, I’m starting to see where it truly originates: this deep belief that my desires are not important. Not even just my needs — but my desires. Somewhere along the lineage — maybe from my mother, my father, or even before I was born — there’s this imprint that what I want doesn’t matter.

But the truth is, I do have desires. I have passions. I have loves that go beyond being a caretaker and a mother. And I almost feel guilty for that. I feel guilty for wanting anything else, guilty for loving my spiritual work, guilty for loving the healing I do for myself and for others. I love it deeply. And I also love my daughter. I love my partner. I love who I am within my family.

And yet… I’ve been feeling like I’m at war with myself whenever I take time for me.

It’s like some part of me believes it’s not okay to do what I want.
It’s not safe.
It’s not what “we” do.
Because if I put myself first, then maybe I won’t be loved.
Maybe people won’t like me.
Maybe I’ll be abandoned.

So I keep putting everyone else above myself, thinking that’s how I’ll be loved — when in reality, this unbalanced way of being of service is actually the selfish one. Because it's rooted in fear. It comes from wanting acceptance. And that is not what real love is.

The truth is: when I am full, my daughter shines.
When I’m joyful, when I’m alive, when I’m energized, my partner feels it too.
My whole home feels it.

But lately, I’ve been resenting how happy my daughter is around me — because inside, I feel angry, frustrated, disconnected from my joy. And I can see now that I’m stealing joy from myself. I’m angry at myself for not giving myself what I truly need.

And the things I want are not reckless or harmful.
They’re not toxic.
I just want to go to yoga.
To sit in ceremony.
To spend time with my friends.
To go to the spa.
To take care of myself.
To nourish my spirit.
To grow.
To feel good.

Why am I persecuting myself for those things?

There are parents out there who take time away from their children to do things that damage their bodies, their minds, and their spirits. And here I am — wanting to expand, wanting to heal, wanting to be better so that I can show up better — and yet I feel guilty for that?

Every day has felt like a war inside of me. Thank God for the ambition that keeps things moving, but even that ambition is coming through an anxious state.

So I’m opening myself to this healing —
the healing that says:

My desires are sacred.
My joy is sacred.
What I want is sacred.
My soul’s desires are not a burden — they are guidance.

This isn’t about wanting a cookie or craving something superficial.
This is my deeper soul speaking.
This is my truth trying to come through.

My lesson now is to trust that — and to allow the people in my life to adjust to the new way I show up for myself. And if someone chooses to leave because I go to an extra yoga class each week… or choose to sit in one more ceremony a year… then so be it.

I trust my intentions. I trust my heart.
I trust that I’m becoming more aligned, not less loving.

And really, it all comes back to clear communication — letting my partner know weeks or months in advance, “Hey, I’m going to do this for me.” And also knowing that spontaneous things, like tonight, can happen too. Life can flow.

This is my healing:
learning that my desires matter.
Learning that honoring myself is not selfish —
it’s sacred.